My Not So Normal Life and A Few Other Things.

So the other day someone asked me why I sleep so much? This got my wheels in my brain turning and I thought to myself that is a very good question? Here's what I came up with! I think I sleep so much because I don't want to face my new reality. TBH this is probably the main reason along with depression. But here are a few more thoughts. -Pain-in all aspects. I am non- tolerant even with pain meds and, it's all a bit annoying not knowing when or where it will show it's ugly head. Or sometimes why it never ends. -I'm overweight now because of my medications/ immobility it hurts to move and walk if anything eats up my spoons it's definitely this. I know I need to get up and move, but when I try I struggle so hard, Then of course there's this ugly monster I fight.   Pride- Vanity  I hate what I see when I look in the mirror. I'm just ugly.  I don't have the money needed to buy the clothes I need, get my hair done, or the frickin energy to start with. I j...

  I don’t understand why this life is so hard for me? Why when I get sick my body completely shuts down and my insides make me feel like I’m dying. I have always struggled like this, a common cold knocks me out for days, sometimes weeks.  I am still havocked by pain every second of the day and the only way my body can handle this is by sleeping. if I am so lucky. Did I do something so horrible that God is punishing me? Do I still believe in God?  I am failing at being a warrior, a fighter, a mother, and a wife  I feel like my family deserves so much better.  Why is the pain for me so unbelievably hard? why can’t I force my body to do what it needs to feel better? I have tried so hard to get out of bed and move, to be more present in life, to just try. I have willed myself that I can do it, only to be bedridden hours later. My body is a mess inside and out and it’s breaking me down even further.  My heart breaking and I so want to be able to handle it all bu...

I found this from April25th 2019 and somehow it never posted so I thought I would just add it here because I know that a lot of you are struggling this way also. You are not alone at all. I am starting to realize that sometimes even the sweetest kind of person can belittle you and hurt you with their words.  I recently had a day where I was told "Try to Keep Up" on the day I was struggling to walk, and in the most pain due to lack of pain medication s. It cut me to my core.  I would like to think that I am a good person and kind to everyone I meet. But recently it's been pointed out that people feel like I make whatever is being talked about and turn it back to ME. I don't feel like the world is about me by far, I try to make everything about other people and leave me out of it all.  I am not the kind of person that I want to have the spotlight on myself, it makes me uncomfortable because I want to do things right. I know it's crazy being a "Leo" it...

Having a disease like lupus is the most stressful thing in the world!  It's funny, How you aren't supposed to stress about this crap and all you do is stress. Why?  You stress that you are not good enough to work? You stress when you have to take a day off from work.  You stress that you are gonna cause a Financial burden on your family? Because now you can't work.  You worry about if your spouse even finds you sexy anymore? You stress about your hair thinning, your eyebrows and lashes falling out, and the rashes that come along with it all.  You worry about if you are still pretty. At least I do. . You worry about your looks and the weight gain that has come on from bedrest, immobility and medications. You stress that you are getting worse ?  You worry and Stress about every new symptom?  You worry about your family?  You  wonder why they  don't  include you in the day to day activities/ decisions?  It's...

Being Sick is a chore within itself but also having a degenerating autoimmune disease like Lupus makes life a bit more of a struggle.  I have been trying to be more positive in my day to day routine but honestly, all my body wants to do is crash.  I was driving the car the other day to pick up my husband from work and  my body began to crash and my eyelids became heavy so I closed my eyes.  I  had to keep telling my brain that I was driving a car in traffic.  It scares me the things that I have no control over anymore.  I saw my rheumatologist and pain specialist this week.   My Rheumatologist is super nice but I wanted to hurt him for touching all my joints and causing me more pain,  the next day I felt as if I was hit by a mack truck.  He talked about my blood work and how it looks like on top of everything. I have either Lupus Nephrites with symptoms of Either R.A  (Rheumatoid Arthritis), Fibromyalgia....

Makeup can be high end and really expensive or drugstore and very budget friendly.  Just because a drugstore brand is budget friendly doesn't mean it is bad quality. Right? Recently while perusing my local Ulta store with Jayedyn                      (on the hunt for a blue eye liner )  after looking at all the different brands from Urban Decay, Ulta , Nyx etc. and coming up empty and disappointed we were ready to walk away when i suggested one more look . Tucked away on an end cap of the isle was a small product line. I had never even looked at this brand before but sitting on the shelf was the perfect blue shade of eyeliner that Jayedyn was searching for & on a 15 yr old girls budget too. I started to take a closer look at some of the products . The nail polish is what  drew me in, the colors were so pretty, it also looked like there were a few dupes for some high end products as well. I ended ...