My Not So Normal Life and A Few Other Things.

So the other day someone asked me why I sleep so much? This got my wheels in my brain turning and I thought to myself that is a very good question? Here's what I came up with! I think I sleep so much because I don't want to face my new reality. TBH this is probably the main reason along with depression. But here are a few more thoughts. -Pain-in all aspects. I am non- tolerant even with pain meds and, it's all a bit annoying not knowing when or where it will show it's ugly head. Or sometimes why it never ends. -I'm overweight now because of my medications/ immobility it hurts to move and walk if anything eats up my spoons it's definitely this. I know I need to get up and move, but when I try I struggle so hard, Then of course there's this ugly monster I fight.   Pride- Vanity  I hate what I see when I look in the mirror. I'm just ugly.  I don't have the money needed to buy the clothes I need, get my hair done, or the frickin energy to start with. I j...

  I don’t understand why this life is so hard for me? Why when I get sick my body completely shuts down and my insides make me feel like I’m dying. I have always struggled like this, a common cold knocks me out for days, sometimes weeks.  I am still havocked by pain every second of the day and the only way my body can handle this is by sleeping. if I am so lucky. Did I do something so horrible that God is punishing me? Do I still believe in God?  I am failing at being a warrior, a fighter, a mother, and a wife  I feel like my family deserves so much better.  Why is the pain for me so unbelievably hard? why can’t I force my body to do what it needs to feel better? I have tried so hard to get out of bed and move, to be more present in life, to just try. I have willed myself that I can do it, only to be bedridden hours later. My body is a mess inside and out and it’s breaking me down even further.  My heart breaking and I so want to be able to handle it all bu...

I found this from April25th 2019 and somehow it never posted so I thought I would just add it here because I know that a lot of you are struggling this way also. You are not alone at all. I am starting to realize that sometimes even the sweetest kind of person can belittle you and hurt you with their words.  I recently had a day where I was told "Try to Keep Up" on the day I was struggling to walk, and in the most pain due to lack of pain medication s. It cut me to my core.  I would like to think that I am a good person and kind to everyone I meet. But recently it's been pointed out that people feel like I make whatever is being talked about and turn it back to ME. I don't feel like the world is about me by far, I try to make everything about other people and leave me out of it all.  I am not the kind of person that I want to have the spotlight on myself, it makes me uncomfortable because I want to do things right. I know it's crazy being a "Leo" it...

*I was lucky enough to receive the Clairol Nice and Easy Root Touch up to review from Influenster complimentary. This is my honest opinion on how this product worked for me*(or any family members) I received the shade #5 medium brown and as you all know my hair is blonde.  So this wasn't something I could use. Jayedyn has been wanting to get rid of the blonde in her hair for a while so I thought let's try it. *After a 24 HR.  patch test, no reactions we dove right in. * The box contained very simple to use instructions, a small mixing bowl, the products and a brush for application and gloves. This product was very easy to apply and didn't make a mess all over my bathroom. You put the dye in the roots to cover up. We decided to take it down her hair a bit more.  The applicator brush was awesome and made it easy ,the product stayed put and didn't drip down her hair. After the time was up we were amazed at how much this  actually took out the ...

Living with Lupus is a daily fight for me  it's getting harder and harder for me to push through. I am exhausted both mentally and physically, I am beyond fatigued, and I feel and look like i was run down by a diesel. Most days I will get up and brush my hair just to put it back in a messy bun .  I will wash my face and apply sunscreen /moisturizer and if i am feeling up to it Makeup . But Most of the time I just want to sleep , dream of my life without this disease.  I am mad that this is effecting me so bad and that other people are able to work, play and even have a life . I hate staying at home, But i know i can't do the things like i use to .  I hate everyone who say's they just push on through, Like i am not trying too ?  I hate the judgement and whispers at functions or even the grocery store .   I am not the child that my parents adore, I am not the sister in law you want to hang out with , I am not the friend you want .  I ...