Lupus thoughts and ramblings -Sleep

So the other day someone asked me why I sleep so much? This got my wheels in my brain turning and I thought to myself that is a very good question? Here's what I came up with!

I think I sleep so much because I don't want to face my new reality. TBH this is probably the main reason along with depression. But here are a few more thoughts.

-Pain-in all aspects. I am non- tolerant even with pain meds and, it's all a bit annoying not knowing when or where it will show it's ugly head. Or sometimes why it never ends.

-I'm overweight now because of my medications/ immobility it hurts to move and walk if anything eats up my spoons it's definitely this. I know I need to get up and move, but when I try I struggle so hard,

Then of course there's this ugly monster I fight.

Pride- Vanity I hate what I see when I look in the mirror. I'm just ugly.

I don't have the money needed to buy the clothes I need, get my hair done, or the frickin energy to start with. I just can't win.

-nxt would be my medications.

I take these daily or sometimes thru out my day. I can't help it if I am so exhausted beyond belief and, then add the meds that make me tired, drowsy, etc. to it all.

I have no control. I could be doing something and, trying to stay awake and, the next thing I know I am waking up much, much later.

Then I'm wide awake at night because of insomnia. This vicious cycle starts again without my consent...

When my body wants to sleep it sleeps no matter what I'm doing.

(I had to add this one it's how I think my body would talk if it could. Lol)

I haven't been told by my Dr (to not drive per se) but I can't trust myself so I don't (as needed.)

-Its easier to accept that I'm not asked or invited anymore to do the things I used to, and if by some (miraculous reason) this happens I can't go it breaks my heart more. I am either way to slow for what needs to be done.

People don't want to wait for me they want to get in and get out. No one wants to wait around for someone in the motorized scooter chairs or my zombie crip walk (as it is often described) so in this sense it just makes me feel like a burden even more.

Next, this one is just heartbreaking-

-I'm proven daily that without me it would all be okay. How do you ask?

Exclusion- in what is going on or what people are doing.

I'm still a mom, a wife, a human being I have feelings ..

I know people think it's annoying but, imagine it was you waking up not knowing what was going on, or why someone isn't at home and, then whenever you ask it seems like you're bugging/ annoying people.

Sadly, I'm done with all the pain, heartbreak, and lack of caring of my feelings and my emotions.

I'm having to face daily this "New Normal" and I hate it all.

I hate being not included because I'm sick.

I am frustrated to say the least, my body is not my own and, now I have to add fibromyalgia on top of all these other diagnoses when does it ever end.

I am struggling to maintain any hope in the future that one day I will be able to say "I woke up today and didn't feel any pain"!

I am so alone I feel in this chronic pain and illness journey if only I can get my pain managed who knows what can happen or what will change. I am going to see a new Dr. For my pain management and I'm praying that this will be the miracle Dr who doesn't just throw meds at me and call it a day. I was referred by my Rheumatology Dr who I love so I'm a bit hopeful... We'll see and of course, I will let you know here.

What are your reasons for sleeping? Why do you think you do it? Let me know? If you need to talk about anything I am here for you.

Thank you for taking the time to read.

(Not sure who to credit for the photo? found it online. if you know pls tell me so I can give credit )

As always Stay Strong And Keep Fighting,

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