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Life 2020-2021 Getting back into this.

 



So as the whole world has struggled with the pandemic it's an understatement as to how I have been, my kids and, my husband.

I am not going to lie and say that it didn't affect me in an immense way 

I went down a severe hole into depression and, let's just say my mental health was a nightmare 

I wanted to die and, just didn't have the strength to do it myself so I would lay in bed and, starve myself hoping I wouldn't wake up the next time. The real struggle came at night because of my insomnia

I would lay in my bed and, think about all the things I couldn't do or wanted but, I just didn't have the strength to, I would think about how much better my husband would have been marrying someone else how I have ruined his life how mean I was to him and didn't even think or want to be. How he is carrying on with his life and me, I'm just better off dead because that is exactly how I feel like a person suffering from all this crap. 

My kids don't seem to need me as much so they would be fine without me.

WTHeck Misty, 


Do you know how lonely I felt and, how I never want to feel or think like that again but, my thoughts turned into somewhat of reality and, I  just couldn't do it on my own anymore. I needed help so I decided it was time to see a professional I made the appointment and I waited.



While the world was reeling I got the worst blow I could ever have. My beautiful best friend, Daizie  My Cocker Spaniel Dog, companion animal and, major support went downhill really fast.



 Within a month she lost a ton of weight and, wouldn't eat or drink anything, and, couldn't even stand up. She was so dehydrated. I would just cry next to her and hope my tears would make her better, but she was gone after a struggle and fight. Damn CANCER




My heart broke into a million pieces and I felt so alone. I thought that I was going to be okay after I grieved but, I'm a mess still it's been 10 months and, I still struggle. I honestly think it broke me and, made life worse.

I found a place on Etsy that makes remembrance jewelry and had a heart engraved with her name and inside the urn part I have her fur and Irish Spring slivers of soap. Why that soap? she always had that soap by her crate or near by.  I think because that is the soap mostly used in the house.Who knows? She would always do silly things like that. 





I am struggling with my body positivity and, the weight gain I have but, hurt still and, don't have a normal sleep schedule so I sleep during the day so all sense of life is gone. I am so tired.




Therapy made me question everything about my life, my marriage, etc. 

It helped for a lil bit but, made me feel like  I am not strong enough to fight for what I need. This is another struggle like all therapists mine went on maternity leave and, I didn't have the nerve to find another one so after a couple of months I quit.

Life is a struggle every day. I fight for my health and my body image. I don't leave the house and when I do I can barely handle 2 hours. 

I did have a good outcome throughout the pandemic struggle. 

I had severe back pain which enabled my mobility so I took a chance and did have Radio Frequency Ablation surgery




 and after a few months of healing my back was about 75% better So I can say that it was worth it. I can walk without any help for a bit I am still in pain but, I can do more than before. I still struggle with my breathing and need to look at that (thank you for reminding me to make an appt.)

My oldest son Kj decided that in march of 2020 he was joining the US Army he went through one of the craziest boot camps in military history. 

During his completion, he broke his toes on his right and left foot and continued on hiking the path for a few miles. That is Army Strong He graduated basic in a boot. He's lucky his other toe was stronger or he would have had Two..




He surprised me at Christmas and came home for a few weeks before heading back to his new Barracks. Of course its a photo shoot ..


My Family 
















 He then went on and graduated with his Airbourne wings.   




                                                                                      





 This kid is jumping out of planes!           

                                                       What!!!!!! 


Sorry, most of the pictures I have are from his Snapchat because of Co-vid he wasn't allowed to take any pictures until he was with his platoon and things let up a bit. Thank god they did live streams of things or I would hear from him for weeks .....

I am slowly getting back into this blogging thing so I am gonna end it here so I am not too overwhelmed Thank you, everyone, for all the love I have received I will catch you in another one soon.

Love ya,

xoxo

Misty


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