My Not So Normal Life and A Few Other Things.

  So as the whole world has struggled with the pandemic it's an understatement as to how I have been, my kids and, my husband. I am not going to lie and say that it didn't affect me in an immense way  I went down a severe hole into depression and, let's just say my mental health was a nightmare  I wanted to die and, just didn't have the strength to do it myself so I would lay in bed and, starve myself hoping I wouldn't wake up the next time. The real struggle came at night because of my insomnia I would lay in my bed and, think about all the things I couldn't do or wanted but, I just didn't have the strength to, I would think about how much better my husband would have been marrying someone else how I have ruined his life how mean I was to him and didn't even think or want to be. How he is carrying on with his life and me, I'm just better off dead because that is exactly how I feel like a person suffering from all this crap.  My kids don't seem t...

So the other day someone asked me why I sleep so much? This got my wheels in my brain turning and I thought to myself that is a very good question? Here's what I came up with! I think I sleep so much because I don't want to face my new reality. TBH this is probably the main reason along with depression. But here are a few more thoughts. -Pain-in all aspects. I am non- tolerant even with pain meds and, it's all a bit annoying not knowing when or where it will show it's ugly head. Or sometimes why it never ends. -I'm overweight now because of my medications/ immobility it hurts to move and walk if anything eats up my spoons it's definitely this. I know I need to get up and move, but when I try I struggle so hard, Then of course there's this ugly monster I fight.   Pride- Vanity  I hate what I see when I look in the mirror. I'm just ugly.  I don't have the money needed to buy the clothes I need, get my hair done, or the frickin energy to start with. I j...

Being Sick is a chore within itself but also having a degenerating autoimmune disease like Lupus makes life a bit more of a struggle.  I have been trying to be more positive in my day to day routine but honestly, all my body wants to do is crash.  I was driving the car the other day to pick up my husband from work and  my body began to crash and my eyelids became heavy so I closed my eyes.  I  had to keep telling my brain that I was driving a car in traffic.  It scares me the things that I have no control over anymore.  I saw my rheumatologist and pain specialist this week.   My Rheumatologist is super nice but I wanted to hurt him for touching all my joints and causing me more pain,  the next day I felt as if I was hit by a mack truck.  He talked about my blood work and how it looks like on top of everything. I have either Lupus Nephrites with symptoms of Either R.A  (Rheumatoid Arthritis), Fibromyalgia....