My Not So Normal Life and A Few Other Things.

  So as the whole world has struggled with the pandemic it's an understatement as to how I have been, my kids and, my husband. I am not going to lie and say that it didn't affect me in an immense way  I went down a severe hole into depression and, let's just say my mental health was a nightmare  I wanted to die and, just didn't have the strength to do it myself so I would lay in bed and, starve myself hoping I wouldn't wake up the next time. The real struggle came at night because of my insomnia I would lay in my bed and, think about all the things I couldn't do or wanted but, I just didn't have the strength to, I would think about how much better my husband would have been marrying someone else how I have ruined his life how mean I was to him and didn't even think or want to be. How he is carrying on with his life and me, I'm just better off dead because that is exactly how I feel like a person suffering from all this crap.  My kids don't seem t...

I can hear outside my windows, yelling, laughing, splashing in the pool,  all the kids enjoying the fact there's No School. I see Pictures everywhere on social media, new suntans, beach hair, sandals, tanks, & shorts, Pictures of  Fun Vacations, Not a single Care in the world.  Everyone Soaking up as much sun as they can before Summer is finished. Mayson asked me why I don't go out? why I don't want to watch them swimming? What does summer mean to me? this got me thinking.  What does summer mean to me? The first things to pop out of my mouth were   long sleeves, long pants, sunblock to the 100's, Huge hats, sometimes gloves. Sweatshirts and sweaters.  It's long flares that last for days because I  went outside, for a quick errand without taking the things I need   causing my body aching pain everywhere, Imagine being hit by a bus, That's Me .  I have only one choice but to stay in be...

Being Sick is a chore within itself but also having a degenerating autoimmune disease like Lupus makes life a bit more of a struggle.  I have been trying to be more positive in my day to day routine but honestly, all my body wants to do is crash.  I was driving the car the other day to pick up my husband from work and  my body began to crash and my eyelids became heavy so I closed my eyes.  I  had to keep telling my brain that I was driving a car in traffic.  It scares me the things that I have no control over anymore.  I saw my rheumatologist and pain specialist this week.   My Rheumatologist is super nice but I wanted to hurt him for touching all my joints and causing me more pain,  the next day I felt as if I was hit by a mack truck.  He talked about my blood work and how it looks like on top of everything. I have either Lupus Nephrites with symptoms of Either R.A  (Rheumatoid Arthritis), Fibromyalgia....

Living with Lupus is a daily fight for me  it's getting harder and harder for me to push through. I am exhausted both mentally and physically, I am beyond fatigued, and I feel and look like i was run down by a diesel. Most days I will get up and brush my hair just to put it back in a messy bun .  I will wash my face and apply sunscreen /moisturizer and if i am feeling up to it Makeup . But Most of the time I just want to sleep , dream of my life without this disease.  I am mad that this is effecting me so bad and that other people are able to work, play and even have a life . I hate staying at home, But i know i can't do the things like i use to .  I hate everyone who say's they just push on through, Like i am not trying too ?  I hate the judgement and whispers at functions or even the grocery store .   I am not the child that my parents adore, I am not the sister in law you want to hang out with , I am not the friend you want .  I ...