Lupus thoughts (when insomnia and pain won't go away)

Living with Lupus is a daily fight for me  it's getting harder and harder for me to push through.

I am exhausted both mentally and physically, I am beyond fatigued, and I feel and look like i was run down by a diesel.

Most days I will get up and brush my hair just to put it back in a messy bun .
 I will wash my face and apply sunscreen /moisturizer and if i am feeling up to it Makeup . But Most of the time I just want to sleep , dream of my life without this disease. 
I am mad that this is effecting me so bad and that other people are able to work, play and even have a life .

I hate staying at home, But i know i can't do the things like i use to . 
I hate everyone who say's they just push on through, Like i am not trying too ?
 I hate the judgement and whispers at functions or even the grocery store . 
 I am not the child that my parents adore, I am not the sister in law you want to hang out with , I am not the friend you want .

 I am Lupus . I say this because I am no longer myself,
 The mother who volunteered for all the kids activities , room mom , football mom, I am no longer the Master esthetician who you loved and came back for repeat business, I am no longer that daycare teacher of pre-k kids I loved ,
 I am no longer anything but a aching ,sad, depressed shell of myself . The pain medicine I take helps sometimes and others it does nothing . The feelings i have inside me break my heart. I was always so happy despite the pain, but it has hit me so hard that I just want it all to end . I hate that I can't work, I hate that I can't plan anything, and that if I want to do something it takes up all of my energy to do it . 

I hate that the food I hardly eat, makes me sick and doesn't stay down , I hate the weight, I am gaining because of the medications I take . Even when I try to exercise my body limits what i can do.  I am tired of people asking me if I am okay? I am just tired . I am so jealous of other people's lives. I want to do those things they do .

i don't want to have the limits that i am dealing with .

 I recently had to hobble down the field for my son's senior night last football game . It was freezing cold and my body was shot, I knew that this was going to be hard for me but dammit, i was going to do this for Logan . I started out of the stands 15 mins before the end of the game and barely made it 2 ft when my legs just gave out . My left leg was turned inward and i couldn't stand,  the shaking and pain in my right leg was going out as well. I held onto the gate and pushed myself along slowly with my husband and son on each side of me . I made it a few feet when they brought the golf cart over for me to sit in until it was my turn to walk with my son. 
Our turn came ,I stood up and  almost fell back down.

  Logan grabbed me and with his and my husbands help i zombie walked down the field . Knowing that the pain I was feeling now was not even a fraction of what i would feel for the next few days.

I did it for Logan.  I kept telling myself over and over .
 I should be proud but all i felt was humiliation. That so many people saw me struggle.  Logan told me he loved me and he was proud of me and that changed everything . 

Why is this disease so hard on us ? Why does it take every last bit of Hope you have and smash it? Why does it take life you are struggling to hang on too and tear it from limb to limb ? 

Why Does it have to be So hard on ME? I thought that I was able to handle this and push on and fight but now I don't think i am able to . It is getting harder and harder to hold on. I am tired ! I am sick of being sick , I am so tired of what and who this disease makes me. I am Lupus and I am tired .

This is a Cancer that will never go away . I don't want to just survive it . I want to be able to live without it!

This is the hardest thing i have had to deal with. I am sad and Depressed. I don't want to feel so lost in this world. I want to be able to do the things that I should . I want to look at myself and feel beautiful, instead of fight the demons telling me I will never be with this disease and to end it all, Right there right now .

I want my older son to go to college not have to help out financially because i can't work . I thought the parents were the ones who help the child ? I love my family and how understanding and caring they are towards me . They are always there to help me when needed . My youngest Mayson Does not like to see me cry so I hold it in . 

It has been really bothering me that my wedding ring is in the pawn shop . It's there because my family needed help and because I can't work It was the only way to get the money to help with rent. This makes me feel so detached from the world . I know it's not because of materialistic reasons it's what the ring represents and every time my husband looks down at my finger I can see the pain he feels . 
I feel like a empty shell, I don't know why, I ask myself everyday if I am worth it? Should I get my teeth fixed? Yes , I know it would help but I just don't feel like I am worth it.

This is a constant question that goes through my mind daily 
How do you stop the pain? How do you make yourself feel happy? How do you look at yourself and tell that person in the mirror? "Yes, Dammit you are worth it." Make yourself feel and look good It's not a crime .

Insomnia has taken a hold of me the last month pretty bad and I find my mind wanders. I need to find a way to shut it all down and sleep . I know this is a huge part of my problems .

I don't want to be a victim to Lupus . 
I have had a few rashes , Unmanageable pain , memory issues and some close nights . 
The thing that gets me through Is my family . You have to have something to hold on to while you are falling apart. Things cant be controlled so take it day by day and make the best of each day you are alive . If it's a bad pain day or flare you need to rest and not feel bad . Take time for you.

Lupus has taught me that Unconditional love is real , I am stronger then I ever thought i could be , I need to take care of me , Be brave and have courage  before I am forced to do it.
Smile , and enjoy the days that I have things could be a lot worse . It's almost time for my family to wake up for the day . 
Look at that I made it through one more night and yes I was able to withstand the pain Now to do it again .

I don't write to have anyone pity me or feel bad . I just hope that these feelings I have expressed Can help someone else .
We can Do It But we have to be willing to TRY first.

                As Always Stay Strong and KEEP Fighting,
                                                  XOXO 
                                                   Misty