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Lupus thoughts and Ramblings Jul 28th



 I don’t understand why this life is so hard for me?

Why when I get sick my body completely shuts down and my insides make me feel like I’m dying.

I have always struggled like this, a common cold knocks me out for days, sometimes weeks. 

I am still havocked by pain every second of the day and the only way my body can handle this is by sleeping. if I am so lucky.


Did I do something so horrible that God is punishing me? Do I still believe in God? 


I am failing at being a warrior, a fighter, a mother, and a wife 

I feel like my family deserves so much better. 

Why is the pain for me so unbelievably hard? why can’t I force my body to do what it needs to feel better?

I have tried so hard to get out of bed and move, to be more present in life, to just try.

I have willed myself that I can do it, only to be bedridden hours later.

My body is a mess inside and out and it’s breaking me down even further. 

My heart breaking and I so want to be able to handle it all but it’s not working out that way for me.

What can I do to make this so-called life better? How can I just feel a bit better? 




Insomnia is eating me alive I can’t sleep and when I do it’s in the day so I have wasted that time and no matter how much I try to stay awake my body shuts down.

I am trying to manage my pain with Medications which barely takes an edge off.

My rheumatologist is attempting to find a happy medium but so far it’s not working.


I am out of strength, hope, and tears and just so tired of it all.


How do you make yourself feel happy? I just can’t shake this sense of sadness not even with medication. I feel so blessed but broken at the same time. I always wonder if anyone cares if I were dead? Would it be a loss in their lives?  would it be after grieving for a bit, they would be able to pick up the pieces and move on? Would this be better for my family? 

This is constantly in my mind. In fact, I have these visions of looking at myself in a coffin more than I care to admit. 

I need some stability in my life this year so I am going to will the hell out of making it come to us      

I am for the better part going to wake up and be happy, that may change throughout the day but I will at least start it outright.

 


I know that this disease takes so much from me without caring or concern for my life. 

 This winter has been so cold. I hope that everything works out and that we can move to a much warmer state. I can’t do this for one more year.

Depression is real and the winter weather doesn't help. I was trying to figure out when the last time I was outside? It’s been almost 2 months. Most of the days I am so weak and so flipping tired.

The pain keeps me in bed with my blankets up to my neck.

Wasting the day away. Which sucks.

I’m Still waiting on my disability to be approved. I have been told it will take a bit of time. But not having any medical insurance is not good for us. Things have happened and this is something we lost.

 So medications that I Need are ridiculously expensive but thank god for the company -Good RX- this is for discounts on medications so instead of $500 for just one it’s $200 (which is still a whole lot)

But it will have to do. 

 I can sleep for hours and wake up and still feel like I haven't gotten any sleep.

This is a huge issue for us #Lupies . I feel bad but what can I do? 


I have taken up writing in my planner, the things I am grateful for every day. The things I would like to accomplish at least try to. I have learned that I need to make smaller tasks so I don't criticize myself or burn me out.

I am trying to cut back on my intake of food, sweets, and soda 

I have been trying to drink more water. I'm limited to what I can have due to allergies to all fruit except apples. Yes, that makes what I can drink very low.

I am also trying to cut back on my youtube as well I love to watch the beauty channels but then I feel so ugly, worthless and waste because I want so much to be able to work, get the things I want in makeup. 

I want so badly to get my eyebrows microblade because as of now I barely have any. I want to get lash extensions again. 

The thing is are they going to make me feel better? In my opinion Yes, every time I look at myself I get sad. Being a Master Aesthetician I know that this is all material things. The most important thing is Skin Care, makeup just enhances my natural beauty. But I need to feel better . My eyebrows aren't from overplucking it’s from the meds I am taking and my hair loss isn't my fault. I didn't choose this disease I have no choice in the side effects.

I need to update my skincare but right now money is so tight 

I can’t buy anything and it sucks.

How do yall cope with this issue? I find that it brings me down even more. So I try to stay away from it all. 

I am trying to update my blog and stay on top 



This is my #Lupus Truth I am no longer going to hide how I feel.


Thank You so much for taking the time to read I hope that this can help someone struggling the same way know that you are never alone. I am always here to listen and be honest with you.


As Always Stay Strong and keep fighting

xoxo, Misty

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