Lupus thoughts and Ramblings

I found this from April25th 2019 and somehow it never posted so I thought I would just add it here because I know that a lot of you are struggling this way also. You are not alone at all.

I am starting to realize that sometimes even the sweetest kind of person can belittle you and hurt you with their words.

I recently had a day where I was told "Try to Keep Up" on the day I was struggling to walk, and in the most pain due to lack of pain medications. It cut me to my core.

I would like to think that I am a good person and kind to everyone I meet. But recently it's been pointed out that people feel like I make whatever is being talked about and turn it back to ME.

I don't feel like the world is about me by far, I try to make everything about other people and leave me out of it all.

I am not the kind of person that I want to have the spotlight on myself, it makes me uncomfortable because I want to do things right.

I know it's crazy being a "Leo" it's the direct opposite.

I only feel like I'm trying to understand and if I feel like something is in common with me and what is happening, I will throw it out there.

I have been told I play the Victim a lot, but that's not true at all.

I can't handle the pain I'm in on a daily basis, the changes I am constantly thrown into suddenly, how I go from fine to crying uncontrollably in a bawl on the floor.

How feeling amazing to suddenly feeling like I have the flu, nausea and throwing up, stupid high fevers and achy bones and joints that stop me in my tracks.

I don't handle change very well now and I crave stability. Once I get used to my surroundings, symptoms, and this disease it flips it all around and I Hate it.

Does this all make me a "Victim" do I play it all up for attention? Do I enjoy being stuck in my bedroom for months on end? Not being able to control my body? Walk for myself? Drive? workout? Cook dinner, and take care of my family? Absolutely fracking not….

I hate depending on others when I can do it myself.. I hate having other people take care of me. I hate being drove around and I hate being sick.

Some would say I'm not doing what I need to, but I have, and even tried physical therapy in a pool but I kept getting sick.

I try walking but can only last for a few minutes. I try to stay out of my bedroom but can only be downstairs for a bit.

Anyway, I just know I would never say anything about anybody and their illness.

I would never belittle them. It's just not okay.

As frustrated as I am about my life I still appreciate the people that do help me, and love me.

I also know that people have bad days and may say things they don't mean. We are all human and make mistakes. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any less. Ya Know.

Enough of that, Just be nice you never know what someone is going through. Is what I try to follow.

Thanks for being here with me and taking the time to read.

As Always Stay Strong And Keep Fightin!

XoXo,

-Misty

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