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Lupus thoughts and Ramblings June 25th

Hey there. I hope you are staying safe and sane in this crazy world. It's a lot to stomach for anyone. I can't go crazy. I already am! Serious question? When do you tell your family that their joking around has become hurtful? It's to the point where I feel like I am in high school again, trying to compete for their love and attention. I am 45 yrs old and feel like I am treated like a child at times. I am told that I am too sensitive and that I take things out of context, that I should just take it, and know they are playing. Every night it's a roast the hell outta mom till she cries or locks herself in the bathroom so no one would see. it's not like anyone would care to be honest. I could cry for hours and no one would even flinch. When did I become invisible, and so small that it doesn't matter if I am even around? I am ignored when I am trying to be a mother, I am ignored when I try to let people know ho...

Let's talk showers

Let's talk showers No, not the kind that falls from the sky when it rains. No, not meteors, but regular showers people take to keep clean. A regular person is in the shower up to 5-10 mins maybe 15 at the most. Well for someone with Lupus, MS and Fibromyalgia it's so much longer. For instance, it took me almost an hour to shower the other day. Why is this you ask? Well, I can barely stand on my own, and do things like lift my hands to shampoo my hair without being so exhausted I have to sit down. So it begins, the clock ticking away. *10 mins gone * sitting down. Once I finally can I stand back up and commence the ritual of the shower but wait, after *10 more mins* I need to take a breath before I pass out (literally) it takes sitting down and breathing slowly to make it not feel like my heart is going to leap out of my chest. I look at my handy dandy Fossil smartwatch and it says my BPM is 140 which I believe. I try to slow down my breathing, a...

Life 2020-2021 Getting back into this.

So as the whole world has struggled with the pandemic it's an understatement as to how I have been, my kids and, my husband. I am not going to lie and say that it didn't affect me in an immense way I went down a severe hole into depression and, let's just say my mental health was a nightmare I wanted to die and, just didn't have the strength to do it myself so I would lay in bed and, starve myself hoping I wouldn't wake up the next time. The real struggle came at night because of my insomnia I would lay in my bed and, think about all the things I couldn't do or wanted but, I just didn't have the strength to, I would think about how much better my husband would have been marrying someone else how I have ruined his life how mean I was to him and didn't even think or want to be. How he is carrying on with his life and me, I'm just better off dead because that is exactly how I feel like a person suffering from all this crap. My kids don't seem t...

My Not So Normal Life and A Few Other Things.

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