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Lupus thoughts -What is Normal ?

August is almost over.  My Kids have headed back to school and summer is gone. 
I am excited for the fall months to be here.  This has to be one of  my favorite season. 
So much about Fall that I love.
The weather is  perfect most of the time I say this because  living in Utah it's always a guessing game as to what weather we will have .

This is a issue I need to render for my Health.
 The cold winters kill me and the Hot summers do the same . I need to move somewhere warm But not too hot.

I am sad that my kids are in school. I love having them around.  But I am also excited  New Year of friends, fun and new adventures.
Now that they are gone it is too quiet! I miss so many things about being a mom of little ones. 
I am praying that I can be around to see my kids have children of their own  that this disease doesn't swallow me up and I miss this.

It's been a pretty rough summer for me and I haven't done anything fun let alone been in the sun for too long. 
The sun hurts my eyes as well  it takes a very long time for me to adjust without my sunglasses. Looking out a window is pretty much a waste of time if I need to see anything right away. 
Logan is a senior now and it's his last yr. of High school football and you can bet I will be at every home game as much as I can. I will be in the bleachers and heaven knows I will pay for it. But I just can't miss any more of my kids growing up by sitting in my bed waiting to Die.

I have been trying my hardest to be anywhere but there I am sick of my room and my bed.  My husband went out and replaced our couch with a reclining Love seat so we can sit together. I think he misses me, I know he misses me A LOT!


Lately, my symptoms have been okay for the most part. 
If I could just stop the immobility issue I think I could manage it all a bit more. (This is what I am telling myself)




 I am tired of how my life is changing. I am trying to turn it around. I am tired of being sad and depressed. I am tired of feeling tired all the time. I am tired of missing out on my life.

          I AM TIRED OF LUPUS, MS stealing my time.

I have lost my full faith in this process, now, I still believe that god has a plan for me and that this happened for a reason. But I just can't fathom what it is? Or why? Or how?

My Life as a whole has been one struggle after another Nothing has come easy it's all been a struggle.
I have never been the popular girl or the woman that has a lavish  home , financial security, or been able to provide a better life than I had growing up . 

Everything has always and always will be this way.
I look at others and I want what they have so badly it hurts me more.
I look at pictures and think that would be nice but that is never going to happen.
 I can't help but be a bit angry at this situation in my life. I know that it would all be so different if I wasn't sick. 
Would it be easier? 
No, but at least I could provide a little bit more for my family.
I would know that the struggles we have as a family would be solved in different ways.  
The financial issues would be lightened. 

My Lonnie would not have to work so hard to provide for us all. Khrystian could have a better life as a 19 yr. old kid should.

I know that it seems like I complain a lot, But it's my way of coping. I don't think of it as complaining or whining. 
I think of this as a healthy way to express the feelings that are so dark inside that I fear will take over if I just don't let them out.
My way of awareness,through my trials, that this Incurable, unknown disease brings to a person's life,
 what it does to a family. 
How it destroys not only your Insides and Physical appearance but how it destroys the mental thinking of a once Normal person. who is Kind, would do anything for friend, who loves her family and husband with all her heart and soul. 
How easily this can take over and control every tender side of a person. 

Why so many people quit the fight and end up taking their Lives because they feel the pain would be easier and the burdens that they give were better for everyone if they weren't around. 

The pain alone can swallow you up. 
I am in pain every day, every second on a scale from 1-10 I am in the 12-13 range. 
  I feel numb now I can't even cry anymore. 

I don't remember what it feels like to be normal. 
This never ending Flu I feel each day is become my Normal. 
This never ending Exhaustion, fatigue, insomnia, is my Normal.
This diagnose from my doctor of being DISABLED is my Normal.
The medication you take daily to stay even a bit functional is My Normal.
The emotional roller coaster every day is My Normal.
The facial abnormalities I can't treat are My Normal.




The hair loss is My Normal.
Not being able to move your own legs to get to the bathroom is my Normal.
To fake a smile while you are Dying inside is 
                                    My Normal.





                   This is Lupus and this is My Normal! 


                              For everyone who asked 
                         "What is the  Normal for Lupus? "

I hope this helps you Understand that there is nothing Normal about this disease. Awareness is what we can do now  and a Cure is what would be the perfect Normal .Thank you for taking the time to read. 
                                           As always 
                          Stay Strong and Keep Fighting 
                                             Misty
                 Bbloggerfightinlupus








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