August is almost over. My Kids have headed back to school
and summer is gone.
I am excited for
the fall months to be here. This has to
be one of my favorite season.
So much about Fall that I love.
The weather is perfect most of the time I say this because living in Utah it's always a guessing game as to what weather we will have .
This is a issue I need to render for my Health.
The cold winters kill me and the Hot summers do the same . I need to move somewhere warm But not too hot.
I am sad that my kids are in school. I love having them around.
But I am also excited New Year of friends, fun and new adventures.
Now that they are gone it is too quiet!
I miss so many things about being a mom of little ones.
I am praying that I can be around to
see my kids have children of their own that this disease doesn't swallow me up and I miss this.
It's been a pretty rough summer for
me and I haven't done anything fun let alone been in the sun for too long.
The sun hurts my eyes as well it
takes a very long time for me to adjust without my sunglasses. Looking out a
window is pretty much a waste of time if I need to see anything right away.
Logan is a senior now and it's his
last yr. of High school football and you can bet I will be at every home game
as much as I can. I will be in the bleachers and heaven knows I will pay for it.
But I just can't miss any more of my kids growing up by sitting in my bed
waiting to Die.
I have been trying my hardest to be
anywhere but there I am sick of my room and my bed. My husband went out
and replaced our couch with a reclining Love seat so we can sit together. I
think he misses me, I know he misses me A LOT!
Lately, my symptoms have been okay
for the most part.
If I could just stop the immobility issue I think I could
manage it all a bit more. (This is what I am telling myself)
I am tired of how my life is changing.
I am trying to turn it around. I am tired of being sad and depressed. I am
tired of feeling tired all the time. I am tired of missing out on my life.
I AM TIRED OF LUPUS, MS stealing my time.
I have lost my full faith in this
process, now, I still believe that god has a plan for me and that this happened
for a reason. But I just can't fathom what it is? Or why? Or how?
My Life as a whole has been one
struggle after another Nothing has come easy it's all been a struggle.
I have never been the popular girl
or the woman that has a lavish home , financial security, or been able to
provide a better life than I had growing up .
Everything has always and always
will be this way.
I look at others and I want what
they have so badly it hurts me more.
I look at pictures and think that
would be nice but that is never going to happen.
I can't help but be a bit
angry at this situation in my life. I know that it would all be so different if
I wasn't sick.
Would it be easier?
No, but at least I could provide a little bit
more for my family.
I would know that the struggles we
have as a family would be solved in different ways.
The financial issues
would be lightened.
My Lonnie would not have to work so
hard to provide for us all. Khrystian could have a better life as a 19 yr. old
kid should.
I know that it seems like I complain
a lot, But it's my way of coping. I don't think of it as complaining or whining.
I
think of this as a healthy way to express the feelings that are so dark inside
that I fear will take over if I just don't let them out.
My way of awareness,through my
trials, that this Incurable, unknown disease brings to a person's life,
what it
does to a family.
How it destroys not only your Insides and Physical appearance
but how it destroys the mental thinking of a once Normal person. who is Kind,
would do anything for friend, who loves her family and husband with all her
heart and soul.
How easily this can take over and
control every tender side of a person.
Why so many people quit the fight
and end up taking their Lives because they feel the pain would be easier and
the burdens that they give were better for everyone if they weren't around.
The
pain alone can swallow you up.
I am in pain every day, every second
on a scale from 1-10 I am in the 12-13 range.
I feel numb now I can't
even cry anymore.
I don't remember what it feels like
to be normal.
This never ending Flu I feel each
day is become my Normal.
This never ending Exhaustion,
fatigue, insomnia, is my Normal.
This diagnose from my doctor of being
DISABLED is my Normal.
The medication you take daily to stay even a bit functional is My Normal.
The emotional roller coaster every
day is My Normal.
The facial abnormalities I
can't treat are My Normal.
The hair loss is My Normal.
Not being able to move your own legs to get to the bathroom is my Normal.
To fake a smile while you are Dying inside is
My Normal.
This is Lupus and this is My Normal!
For everyone who asked
"What is the Normal for Lupus? "
I hope this helps you Understand that there is nothing Normal about this disease. Awareness is what we can do now and a Cure is what would be the perfect Normal .Thank you for taking the time to read.
As always
Stay Strong and Keep Fighting
Misty
Bbloggerfightinlupus
Comments