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Life 2020-2021 Getting back into this.

  So as the whole world has struggled with the pandemic it's an understatement as to how I have been, my kids and, my husband. I am not going to lie and say that it didn't affect me in an immense way  I went down a severe hole into depression and, let's just say my mental health was a nightmare  I wanted to die and, just didn't have the strength to do it myself so I would lay in bed and, starve myself hoping I wouldn't wake up the next time. The real struggle came at night because of my insomnia I would lay in my bed and, think about all the things I couldn't do or wanted but, I just didn't have the strength to, I would think about how much better my husband would have been marrying someone else how I have ruined his life how mean I was to him and didn't even think or want to be. How he is carrying on with his life and me, I'm just better off dead because that is exactly how I feel like a person suffering from all this crap.  My kids don't seem t
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Let's talk showers

  Let's talk showers  No, not the kind that falls from the sky when it rains. No, not meteors, but regular showers people take to keep clean. A regular person is in the shower up to 5-10 mins maybe 15 at the most. Well for someone with Lupus, MS and Fibromyalgia it's so much longer. For instance, it took me almost an hour to shower the other day. Why is this you ask? Well, I can barely stand on my own, and do things like lift my hands to shampoo my hair without being so exhausted I have to sit down.  So it begins, the clock ticking away. *10 mins gone * sitting down. Once I finally can I stand back up and commence the ritual of the shower  but wait, after *10 more mins* I need to take a breath before I pass out (literally) it takes sitting down and breathing slowly to make it not feel like my heart is going to leap out of my chest.  I look at my handy dandy Fossil smartwatch and it says my BPM is 140 which I believe.  I try to slow down my breathing, and BAM another *15 mins go

Lupus thoughts and ramblings -Sleep

So the other day someone asked me why I sleep so much? This got my wheels in my brain turning and I thought to myself that is a very good question? Here's what I came up with! I think I sleep so much because I don't want to face my new reality. TBH this is probably the main reason along with depression. But here are a few more thoughts. -Pain-in all aspects. I am non- tolerant even with pain meds and, it's all a bit annoying not knowing when or where it will show it's ugly head. Or sometimes why it never ends. -I'm overweight now because of my medications/ immobility it hurts to move and walk if anything eats up my spoons it's definitely this. I know I need to get up and move, but when I try I struggle so hard, Then of course there's this ugly monster I fight.   Pride- Vanity  I hate what I see when I look in the mirror. I'm just ugly.  I don't have the money needed to buy the clothes I need, get my hair done, or the frickin energy to start with. I j